“Actually… why do we have to leave right now?” - Wheatley Example rule changes involve rearranging turn order, allowing an extra Test Subject to move, and even allowing Cake slices in recycled Chambers back into your pool instead of immediately Incinerated. Once used, you flip each Aperture Card and placed it on top of the Discard Pile, and a different character faces that changes to the rules of gameplay. Aperture Cards each have different actions that you can take, or can instead be used to use your Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device (“Portal Gun”) to place portals on the board, making two distant Test Chambers effectively adjacent. Test Subjects can carry cake with them, allowing you to move your own cake further away from the “old” edge of the board, or to carry an opponent’s slice for immediate sacrificial Incineration. The game ends when a player no longer has any Test Subjects on the board or when a player’s Cake slices have all been incinerated, and the winner is the one with the most Cake left on the board. The tile is then flipped over and re-added to the left side of the board, resulting in a conveyor belt sort of action that continually moves everything towards certain destruction. Then, the Chamber is Recycled: all Test Subjects are incinerated and placed back into a pool to draw new ones from, and any Cake slices are incinerated and taken out of play, placed into the Incinerator on the accompanying play mat. Whoever has the most Test Subjects in that chamber gets the rewards printed on it (new Test Subjects at the left side of the board, a slice of Cake on the board, rights to place the Companion Cube or Turret, or an Aperture Card). At the end of each players turn, they activate a chamber on the right edge. The board has fifteen interlocking, two-sided Test Chamber tiles. Three teams compete to keep the most cake on the board. So: Who is ready to make some science?” - Cave Johnson Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians–you’re here because we want the best, and you are it. “Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. But don’t let your cake get incinerated! That would be bad. Which is fine, that’s what they’re there for. Along the way you’ll be distracted by the Companion Cube, shot by a Turret, and have countless little Test Subjects incinerated. Up to four teams of Test Subjects traverse an ever-changing board of Test Chambers to acquire and protect Cake while sabotaging the other teams. Three paragraphs in and I haven’t even said what kind of game Portal: The Uncooperative Cake Acquisition Game is. (Wait, you don’t? Comment below and we’ll figure out how to get you the copy that came in my box.) (Think about it.) Curiously, it comes with a code for a free copy of Portal 2 on Steam, as if there’s anyone out there who doesn’t have it. Perhaps its recent publishing is an attempt by Valve to overcome being unable to count to three in their sequels. I was also thrown off by the printed “weathering” on the box making it look older than even the original game’s 2007 release. Portal: The Uncooperative Cake Acquisition Game, released in September 2015, which is surprisingly recent considering Portal 2’s April 2011 release. An Aperture Science Reintegration Associate will revive you for an interview when society has been rebuilt.” - The Announcer “Before re-entering a relaxation vault at the conclusion of testing, please take a moment to write down the results of your test. This week’s test is Portal: The Uncooperative Cake Acquisition Game by Valve and Cryptozoic Entertainment. Hello, and welcome back to Boter Reviews Something, where each week we engage in testing for the betterment of SCIENCE.
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